Still hopeful and wanting my marriage

by admin

It’s really hard to begin. I will start with my mess. I was married and regretably had an affair years ago with a married man. During my seeing this man, I realized this was not for me and I wanted my marriage with my husband. Although I suspected my husband of seeing someone else, it was not right for me to do what I felt like I wanted to because he was not home often.  I really wanted to be with my husband. I became pregnant.  During the affair, this man told me that he could not have children. I wasn’t sure if the child was for my husband or the guy. I was wrong, and did not tell my husband about the affair or my doubt of our child’s paternity.  After so many years, my husband went and had a DNA test and he told me that our child was not his.  I really believed our child was my husband’s. During the weeks of our hurt and pain, my husband also told me that he had an affair during that time some years ago. I didn’t really think about his statement, because I was so distraught about him not being our child’s father. My husband was hurt and I thought he was entitled to his hurt and pain, even his verbal attacks. I am a Christian and asked God for forgiveness and was still unsure if I deserved to be forgiven by my husband.  I asked my husband for forgiveness and he said he forgave me. Months later, we started counsel but due to lack of money we stopped.

 

About 1-2 years with trying to deal with this, I begin to notice some peculiar and angry behavior from my husband. He told me that I was a bible toting hypocrit. My Christian walk through the earlier years of our marriage had strengthen through trials. I was still asking my husband about what could I do to help with his pain and also just trying move forward as normal as possible. He didn’t want to talk about it. I still begin to feel uneasy, it was almost like my husband began to spiral. It was  like one day, God said he wanted me to not live in bondage any more and for me to be free from my hurt and pain. To not walk in guilt but to be able to stand upright. I’d make up my mind to be free from his verbal attacks. My husband would say he has to see another man’s resemblence in our son. He has to answer the questions about our child’s physcial appearance of not being tall. I did not want to any way make my husband feel like he was not important, but I needed to move forward.   I still begin to be uneasy with my husband’s activities and tone in how he would speak to me alone, with the kids…., and then I went to his PC. I discovered that he had been involved with his office staff person for years through their swapping photos (clothed and unclothed) of each other. I also discovered his involvement with 3rd women, off and on ….   I was totally crushed. My husband would taunt verbal words to me and I could not believe that he would proudly say that I was the last person on earth to talk about infidelity.  I felt hurt because I would talk to the office staff person about him, the kids, and send the staff food. I considered her a friend of ours. We dated during college, and he would reference the sense of embarrassment when talking about his dad’s involvement with other ladies. He mentioned how hurtful he and his mother was when she discovered the behavior / actions of his dad.

 

We are now in counseling. I’ve asked him to get rid of this office lady at work and he says he can’t fire her. She has some career plans and can’t leave until a year from now. In a sense, I believe he feels justified because of my past actions. He says the affairs are over, he did what he did because he felt our marriage was not truthful. He says he is sorry and ready to move forward. I am able to talk about my past but he is still resentful and will not talk about any of what I’ve discovered or anything.  We are back in counseling. We are taking each week at a time, but why do I feel so bad? My trust is like shattered.  I still search my mind and wonder if he is really going to be there in truth for me or for our family. I feel that God is telling me to be still and let Him work. I have good moments and then not so good moments.

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