Relationship After Cheating:How Do You Maintain A Relationship After Cheating?
How Do You Maintain A Relationship After Cheating?
“I wish we could go back to the way it used to be, we were so happy before he cheated. I loved our marriage. And I believe he did to. When we were together we had so much fun. I'm wondering now if we'll ever feel that way again.How do you maintain a relationship after cheating? Can't we just go back to the way it was before the affair?”
A lot of people ask these types of questions after coming to grips with an affair. When I hear this question it always reminds me of the problem thinking that often leads to divorce. Let me tell you what I mean.
You don't want to go back to the way it was.
First off, two things you need to think about. The only person responsible for the adultery is the adulterer. Secondly it's obvious the relationship wasn't as good as it could be because if it were there would've been no reason to cheat. May sound harsh, but it's truthful.
So why go back to a situation that laid the foundation for the betrayal? You don't want to go back to the way it was. You should want it to be better, different. Think about it, why choose to go back to the way it was, if the way it was might have been justification, in your spouses eyes, for the infidelity?
Here's the bottom line: you don't want the relationship to be the same as it was before the affair.
I'm sure that early on in the relationship you are both happy and as a couple shared a wonderful romance with all the accompanying memories of a profound sense of safety, peace and trust in what you believe was a well functioning marriage.
But a big problem is when you start to romanticize this past and ignore what it ultimately lead to which was an affair. Doing that is not going to allow you to figure out how you're going to save your relationship after cheating if that's what you ultimately decide that you want to do. Continuing to believe that everything is going to be okay if you went back to the way things were before the affair is a fantasy that is not going to serve you well at all.
Not to mention that it is impossible to get to that point anyway. You can only move forward. You can't move backwards, you can try living in the past, but that would be a mistake. So the question you should be asking yourself isn't can we get back to the way we were, but how do I want things to be in the future? What kind of marriage do I want to create in the years to come?
This is what you need to be thinking about. I realize that your marriage will never be the way it was, the same way it was. That is reality. The infidelity has altered the course of your relationship and your life.
And yes it has to be sad and frustrating to think that before the affair you could've held your head up high knowing that your spouse was not capable of such a betrayal. But now things are different you can no longer say with any surety that your spouse is incapable of betraying your trust. You know different now.
This is something that you cannot erase from your mind. In fact you will never forget the affair. If you work to heal your marriage, there is a chance that the affair won't haunt you as it does now. You will be able to get to a place where the memories and the pain associated with them will be compartmentalized in the back of your mind and only make an appearance on very rare occasions. But you cannot erase the events from your memory no matter how much you try.
Now what I'm about to tell you, you will probably find difficult to believe in.
What you can do is make your marriage better than it has ever been. It is possible to get to a place where you experience more happiness, more safety, more honestly, and more love than you did before the affair.
You have the ability to use the affair as a means to catapult you to this better than ever marriage if you know how. I know you're probably thinking that it's impossible. That this is a fairy tale. But it isn't.
Couples that do the necessary work to heal their marriages, to forgive infidelity, to save their relationship after cheating, bring about the needed changes and they turn that marriage into a relationship that is better than ever.
As a result these couples are happy. They feel safe with each other and they have love.
What more could you ask for?
The catch is that to get there you have to abandon the idea that you're going to go back to how it was before the affair. Then you have to commit to do the necessary work to save your relationship.
Once you decide realize deep down that you want a better marriage and you want a better marriage right now and every day for the rest of your life, then and only then, can you start working to make that happen.
Here's what it takes.
What You Need to have A Healthy Relationship After Cheating
There are four things you need to start the process toward having a healthy relationship after an affair. They are:
- Love. Without love, no marriage thrives. Love is the foundation. I don’t believe you can have a deeply connected relationship without it.
- Commitment. Both of you have to be committed to each other and to the process of working through the difficulties in your relationship if you’re going to heal it. If only one of you makes this commitment, it will be much harder and perhaps impossible to save your marriage.
- Hard Work. This process isn’t going to be easy. Healing from an affair or rebuilding a relationship that is in danger for other reasons takes diligent attention over an extended period of time. That’s just reality.
- Knowledge. Even if you have love and commitment and you both are willing to work hard, if you don’t know how to make your marriage better than ever, it probably isn’t going to happen. You can seek out and acquire the knowledge you need as long as you have the other three factors in place.
By no means do I want to oversimplify the prerequisites for healing from an affair and building a truly happy marriage. That is not my intention, but basically this is all it takes to get the ball rolling to work on your relationship, your marriage and to make your marriage into the marriage you most want to be.
Now the first three steps are completely up to you and your spouse. No one can give them that no one can hand them to. Even if I wanted to I can't make you love, commit, or work hard for the sake of your relationship. I tell you that in my opinion, it's worthwhile, the work is necessary, to save your marriage. But I can make you feel that way and I can give you the sense of dedication that is necessary to pull this off.
Assuming you have love, commitment, and are willing to work hard, I can help you attain the knowledge you need to heal. That's what the program How to Survive An Affair is designed to do.
The step-by-step program is structured to help you move from the pain you're in right now to a relationship that is better than ever.
I hope you take advantage of this information so you can experience the healing.
Ask yourself after having read this article asked yourself, do you still dream of going back to the way things once were. Knowing what you know now, don't you want to change that? Wouldn't you love the opportunity to have a relationship a marriage, that is better than you've ever remembered yours to be?